I woke up today early, afraid. My fears are generally pedestrian in nature, small worries, easily dissipated or ignored. But sometimes I get this irrational surge of alarm for someone. It’s always associated with proximity, as if as long as they are close, nothing bad can happen to them. It’s a strange and unreliable belief that because I love them, they are protected, but that if they are too far away, they are vulnerable. I woke up this morning, cold and anxious, trying to think of a way to convince him to come back just for a little bit, just so I can make sure he is ok, maybe so I can replenish whatever protection I can give him. I don’t remember if I dreamed something terrible, but I woke up this way, as if I were still dreaming something terrible. It put me out of sorts, and I got up and made coffee to shake it off, but I felt bad. I went back to sleep, and maybe would have slept until tomorrow, but Tom woke me up to get lunch with him. And dear Tom is so very real and practical and solid, that just talking with him about the brain chemistry books he’s been reading, and the band, and how we now both have Kindles OMG, and about Ana’s school and work made me feel silly for feeling so freaked out this morning.
I’ve been sick for a couple of days. Maybe my weird clammy anxiety this morning is just a symptom of the flu or something. Still, I came home and turned on my music, and the second song that came on is PJ Harvey’s One Line. Spooooooky.